A Heartfelt Apology
You know as the journey goes on alone and with time to recollect the things one has said and done, you begin to truly feel remorse for your actions. While I never hurt my wife physically, I now see the way I ignored her worries, dismissed her ideas and paid no attention to the love she yearned for and needed. I took for granted the love my wife has always shown me, don’t get me wrong she made her fair share of mistakes and was dishonest at times. However, me as a husband and a man of God allowed her to make those mistakes while also committing my own mistakes.
My wife and I have grown apart and I truly have no idea who she is anymore. She continues to change and grow to become the person she either wants or feels she has to be. I am truly remorseful for allowing things to come between us that made her feel the need to change. We all change and sometimes we just grow apart as humans we are truly forever evolving. Then there are times that we change because we feel the need to protect ourselves. Personally I have always felt as long as you are not physical with your wife she has nothing to complain about. Over the past 10 months I have watched peoples relationships, the manner in which husbands and wives speak to each other, the way wives submit to their husbands, the way husbands and wives have joint access to everything yet don’t look and most importantly the way people trust and love each other.
Looking back at my relationship with my wife I can now pinpoint every little thing I said or reacted to in an ungodly way. As men we are supposed to love our wives as Christ loved the church and lead as men of God in a way that will honor our family. Many of you may be doing the things like paying the bills, working your ass off, and even doing things with your kids. The problem is are you catering to your wife's heart? Is she getting the emotional support that she needs and wants? Is she getting the attention that she yearns for? As men and humans it is easy to fall into the trap of not doing the things I need so I wont do the things you need. This is basically a Mexican Standoff and while this is cool in the movies it is not something you want to do with the woman you love.
I look back and there were times when my wife asked me directly why are you with me? Do you even love me? Do I make you happy? My responses were often childish out of disappointment in the state of our relationship. I never ever really meant it when I said no I don’t love you. Yet I said it out of pure desire for her to feel the pain I was feeling. My wife was the only friend I could always count on and the one who stood by my side my whole life. My wife knows everything about me and has been the greatest part of my life since the first time she touched my hand. Looking into the past few years we didn’t treat each other the way we always had. I allowed the dumb stress of life to get to me on a daily basis. I allowed my wife to look for attention, communication and time from other people. These people whether it was envy, spite or just a general dislike for either of us constantly pushed us apart.
All of these situations could have been avoided had I just taken my wife by the hands and told her how much I love her, how much she means to me or just a hug and a thank you for always being there. Pride in the bible is a sin and there's a reason for that. Being prideful will cause you most times to make bad decisions. So guys if you are out there and you have a girl that is half as special as my wife is to me do not let pride allow her to slip away. I lost the love of my life and there is absolutely nothing I can do to get her back. I wake up every morning and look to my left and imagine her smile and hair all crazy. At night I picture my wife on the couch with me with her head on my lap showing me her silly Pinterest Account. I used to get annoyed at things she wanted to do in the house and now we have no house. In fact we are selling the house and her attorney is getting more money from our home than I am.
I allowed our marriage to become total chaos and all she wanted was for me to tell her I was sorry. All my wife wanted was me to tell her how much I love her and that she was special to me above everyone else. Our time has passed and she may never hear my voice again. So the best I can do is put my feelings in writing and hope one day she is bored enough to come here and read it. So if you have your woman in your life and still have the opportunity to fix your relationship this is what I would say to my wife and I hope it inspires some of you in some way.
Dear O***y,
First let me start off by saying I am truly sorry for anything I have ever done that has caused you any pain or doubt. When I needed you, you have always been there one way or another. Our love started off like a movie and continued through the chapters of life. God has healed our hearts and relationship countless times and for that I am grateful. I am sorry for breaking your heart in the past and for allowing you to be in situations that made you do things I know you would have not done had I been around. I brought you here from PR and promised to take care of you always. Along the way I focused on the money aspect and forgot to always take care of your heart.
I should have been more attentive and done homework at the things medically that were causing some of the changes. Love is about accepting people for who they are and who they become. You will always and forever be my one true love. You are the first girl to ever have my heart and even though it is broken now I forgive you for your faults. I more than that hope you forgive me if not in person but in your heart. I truly hope that you find the man you have been searching for and that he will love you in all the way I failed. Our children are our greatest achievement and while they are not with me and I may not see them again or anytime soon please show them love and compassion. I will always remember you from Mrs.Carmanate’s class, I will always remember your water breaking in our bed, I will remember your prom where we fell asleep and more than anything I will remember every moment that loving you made me want to work twice as hard as anyone else. I am so sorry I failed you and maybe all this happened because God made you do it. Maybe God told you that we should no longer be together. I pray on my end for your eternal happiness and that you get the structure you are looking for. God Bless You and I wish Success, Joy & Happiness.
I want to apologize to you for lying to you. I lied many times but not in the way you think. I lied to you when I said I didn't love you. I lied to you when I said I didn't care. I lied to you when I told you that I didn't want us anymore. I lied to you when I acted like you. I was scared to lose you. For all of those lies I am sorry. The day that 2x4 fell on your head and I knew you were in pain I was so scared but instead of letting my feelings and worry show I projected disappointment in you. I made the moment about you not listening instead of comforting you and doing what I really wanted to do which was carry you upstairs and take care of you.
I was an idiot for so long and I know sometimes you thought I didn't believe in you. I think it is important for you to know that I always believed and will believe in you. You have a quality of love and compassion like no one else. Your smile genuinely made my heart melt every time I looked at you and even now when I close my eyes and remember those moments. You think making money or paying for stuff gave me some type of power in our relationship. The truth is you have always had the power, everytime you left me I came back running as soon as you snapped your fingers. I could never turn my back on you and I guess this was why I thought you would always be there. I asked you for a few months of peace to get the business growing to the point we needed it to be. I am sorry that I made your life so miserable that you could not hold on any longer. So for your future relationship, please know that you in my eyes were always strong, beautiful, caring and intelligent. I wanted you for myself and for our marriage to be just us. I realize now that while you were more than enough for me, I fell short of being enough for you. I hope life brings you everything you desire and that when you look back and remember holding hands, walking on the beach, walking by my english class and giving me a kiss on the cheek, and all the other magical moments we shared together that they bring you some type of happiness and joy.
I will always love you and can only hope that our daughter will be able to follow your steps in becoming an amazing woman. Making money will always be easy for me, it just takes time. Losing you will be something I will have to carry in my heart until the day I die. I love you nina be good and may God be with you always. Remember if you ever feel lonely or like life is getting to hard that you will always have me your First Husband loving and praying for you from afar.
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